Hi whataboutdre

Thank you for your email. Can I interpret that you find you have no libido at the moment? This is a common issue for both men and women. Our sex drive can be affected by stress, tiredness, medication, diet, depression, aging and lack of fitness...basically many things.

For men once you reach 30 your testosterone levels may drop and this can really kick in at age 40.

Whilst it may no cause you any health issues not ejaculating regularly, there is evidence to suggest that regular prostate massage can reduce inflammation of the prostate prevent problems in later life. Sex can produce a sense of well being and produces of feel good chemicals in the body, all good for your overall wellbeing.

Fortunately there are some excellent natural products on the market that can effectively treat lowered libido, boost testosterone levels and give you that zest for sex. als there are a range of sex toys for men that are useful to get you back in the groove of regular sex. Sex begats sex.

I would recommend Escalator to take regularly as a testosterone booster and VigraHD as to trigger your desire and EDOil is a massaged into the penis daily to improve blood flow to the penis, triggering a repsonse in the brain as well. Masturbators can be good fun if you are on your own...feel better than a hand job and the Cobra is an interesting toy for vibrating the head of the penis.

Of course have a sexual partner/s to stimulate your interest will also help, however the herbals products are a good place to start to get you body back to wanting sex.

It ain't over for you yet.

 

 

Hi Sara,

Your question wasn’t very detailed, so I’m not sure if this is a new issue for you, or one specific to this particular partner. It does sound like you were being able to be turned on previously, and that this has now faded, so here are some thoughts.

Sex drive (or libido) can definitely go through ups and downs. Changing medication, life events causing stress, the contraceptive pill, and aging can all have an impact. While it's not often talked about, many women go through this at various times, and it can be distressing. Familiarity in relationships over time, can be more challenging to excite each other sexually.  Issues unrelated to sexual relationship can also impact (resentment etc).

Rest assured - it does return! But all couples do have to work at their sexual relationship. Doesn’t have to be static – both need to put energy in to be exciting, and to learn together and communicate.

You can help it along the way, though. Purr Gel is an excellent way of increasing clitoral sensitivity and we recommend it for everyone. Lavigra may also assist, and is very easy to take.

When it comes to toys, there are some great ones to choose from! Clitoral stimulation tends to be most effective for many women - check out the Lily, Laya Spot and the Slick Bullet for clit-specific toys. They all provide lovely vibrations and adjustable speeds.

There are toys that you can insert vaginally or use on the clit, such as the Angelo or the Gigi - these give you the freedom to use the toy as appeals to you at the time.

And then there's the toys that do both, such as the Ina and the Serenity. These provide vibrations both internally and on the clitoris at the same time, and can be amazing!

Be sure to check out the D.VICE Advice Radio show, especially the 17/10/09 and 25/10/09 episodes which are all about libido.

It will come back - let's help it out for you. And good luck!

Hi Fawn,

Stress - and it does sound like he's stressed - can often insidiously impact enjoyment and pleasure both in life and in lovemaking. Wanting to help your partner work through this is definitely a good first step - have the two of you been talking about this issue? His fear of losing his erection appears to be impacting his desire, but you haven't said whether he's actually has issues with this occurring.

If he has been having erection control issues - or even if he wants to reduce his concern about this - he should definitely try EDOil. This is used daily, and is useful to stimulate penile sensations.  Using a cockring during sex will also help him to remain erect.

Lovemaking with your partner doesn't have to be about penetrative sex. Does he still masturbate regularly? This is something you can do together (perhaps reading erotica to each other). Alternatively, during sex you and your partner could try different positions, and different forma of stimulation. Different products that you can try out are things like the Fleshlight or the Cobra (for penile stimuation - he can use this solo or you can take charge), or a prostate stimuator such as the Nexus Neo.

Our society expects men to be sexual experts and to always initiate and to take the lead during sex. Sex is an opportunity for you to have fun and play together. It sounds as if he is feeling a lot of pressure to perform instead of juts enjoying being with you and seeing what develops. Make sure you reassure him about his sexual abilities and focus on having fun. Let of expectation and see what develops. learning different ways to pleasure each other is half the fun and intercourse is only one of many sexual activities you cam enjoy together.

Also, be sure to check out our D.VICE Advice radio show from 21/03/10, where Ema discusses various toys for men and how they work.

 

Hi Need to know,

Your question isn't strange at all - it's something many women have probably wondered after an intense session with a toy!

The clitoris contains over 8000 nerve endings - and that's not just the part you can see (glands and hood). The clitoral system extends back into your body and divides into two legs, which travel down either side of your labia. That means you have a wide number of places in your genitals that you can choose to stimuate, not just the nub. While you're not likely to damange your clitorial area using vibrations, using the same stimulation all the time - and using it at high speeds - does have a potentially numbing affect. It seems like you've figured this out already.

The best way to prevent this from happening is to mix things up a bit. Rather than just one (high) speed, try using pulsation options instead - there are ususally a number to choose from,  Both the LELO Lily and Nea are great for this.

Purr Gel is also great to use, as it will incease the sensitivity of your clitoris.

Another option is to mix up your masturbatory habits. Try getting yourself off in different places (like the bathroom rather than the bedroom), standing up rather than lying down (this uses different muscles and means you will tense your genitals in different ways), using different toys, and even with different stimulation - such as the latest Best Lesbian Erotica!

Playing alone for the majority of the time, rather than with your partner, can be disappointing, and this emotional component may be contributing to your numbness as well. It's worth communicating with partner, and seeing if perhaps she can keep you company while you masturbate - this means you're being erotic together, but taking your disparate sex drives into account. Couples counselling can also be of benefit. There are excellent professionals who specialise in sex therapy, and experienced with lesbian relationships.

Don't forget to check out the D.VICE Advice radio shows - the 06/03/10 show discusses Lesbian erotica, and also explains more about the Lily and Nea vibrators.

Hi mahi,

As women, our sexual response is fluid. That means it changes throughout our lives, in response to both physical and emotional events. And stress really affects the libido, as you have found. If your stress levels are still high, it's worth seeing if there's anything you can do to change this. Additionally, you may be able to get assistance from an Alternative Health Practitioner to get your hormones back in balance.

Many women have lost their libido for a time, and then had it return, so don't despair - you will get it back!

In the meantime, here are some suggestions for you.  Using Purr Gel on your clitoris should provide you with some arousal. Lavigra, a natural herbal supplement, may also assist in boosting your libido.  Toning and strengthening your pelvic floor muscles by using the Uno SmartBall will also help.

Masturbating with a good quality silicone toy such as the Ina or Mona will stimulate you both clitorally and on your g-spot, and has different vibrating and pulsating options you can experiment with (don't forget to use this with a good quality lube such as Yes, or Probe Thick Rich).

Don't forget to check out our D.VICE Advice radio show, especially the 03/04/10 show where Ema discusses menopause and sexual desire.

 

Thank you for the site compliment!

It sounds like penetrative sex isn't giving you the stimulation you need to feel sexually charged, or to orgasm. This isn't unusual - for the majority of women, clitoral stimulation is essential for arousal and orgasm. Purr Gel is an excellent way of increasing clitoral sensitivity and we absolutely recommend trying it out.  Additionally, giving your clitoris more stimulation both prior to intercourse and during (either by yourself or with his assistance) will definitely help. Gentle rubbing, cunnilingus (we have a great how-do DVD), and vibrating toys all help with this - and don't forget the lubricant!

When it comes to toys, there are some great ones to choose from. Check out the Lily and the Laya Spot for great toys you can use prior, or keep between you during sex. They all provide lovely vibrations and adjustable speeds.  Additionally, if you’re interested in an insertable toy which also provides vibration, then the Lelo Ina is a gorgeous toy and well worth trying out, and the Tango is also worth a look. These are both an excellent way to explore penetration.

If you're wanting something that both you and your boyfriend will get pleasure from, both the Naughty Bunny and the We Vibe are amazing. These are used during sex, and you both get the benefit of the vibrations. They also both provide clitoral stimulation, and that's what can make the difference.

As for lubrication: it’s great that you produce lots of natural lubrication – however the amount everyone produces varies greatly (and the amount you produce yourself can change over time).  Sometimes applying lubricants can actually assist even when you have a lot of your own lubrication! There are thin lubricants such as LubeXXX and Probe Silky Light, and thick lubricants like Yes and Probe Thick Rich.

Not everybody is perfectly physically compatible in terms of having the perfect-shaped penis to provide stimulation during penetration and to stimulate the G-spot. Using different positions (the Ride 'Em Cowgirl Sex Positions book is handy here) and introducing lubricant can both help.

And don't forget that masturbation - with fingers, with toys, and with your partner - is the best time to learn about what you like, as well as a good time to explore penetration and clitoral stimulation.

Last but not least, check out the D.VICE Advice radio show, especially the 27/09/08 show where Ema discusses fantastic tips for enhancing your sexual pleasure and getting to orgasm; and the 27/06/09 show all about the g-spot.

And best of luck!

Dear lost

In longer term relationships couples can often experience peaks and troughs in their sex lives and because we lead such busy lives these days, we can often become too worn out to enjoy our sexual experiences. You may be experiencing a lowered libido at the moment, so you could try Lavigra. It's a natural dietary supplement designed to enhance libido and sexual response in women. We also have a very popular product called Purr Gel which may help to get those orgasms going again. It increases blood flow to the clit and encourages it to be become more aroused. If you want to find out if the pill you are taking is affecting your libido, best to ask your doctor or you could google the name of it and find out what the side effects are.

It sounds like you are lucky and have a very understanding boyfriend which is great. Why not try giving each other a relaxing massage using one of our D.VICE Love Oils. It comes in two aroma's and our most popular one is the Erotic. A great massage can help relax you both before any sexual encounter.

Good Luck!

Dear long john

Low libido is quite common, especially when we are all so busy with our routine lives that may involve children, work, school, meetings, housework, sport etc etc...and quite often in longer term relationships, there can be times when we don't always feel that sexual. It could be dietary or maybe the medication we are taking that's affecting our libido.
It can be a little disheartening for those of us who get turned down when we try to initiate sex without success. After a few knock backs, we will often think it's about us, but often its not at all. If you continue with the communication (listening as well as talking!), give your lady lots of affectionate cuddles, smiles and hugs without any expectation of sex, you may find that things change.
Why not give her a lovely sensual massage with some Love Oil. Massage is a great way to relax and physically communicate with our loved ones without having sex.
Have a read through the libido section of this forum, there are many examples of where people are suffering from a lowered libido. If you can read through it together, all the better. It may help you both to understand what may be going on. Many different things can affect our libido, so it's a matter of elimination really.
You could suggest to your partner that she try Lavigra. It is a dietary supplement that helps boost the libido, and works best when taken daily for 7-10 days.
When you have both gone through eliminating certain things and your partner is ready to make some time for herself and you, be ready to give her a special treat. This would be a good time to give the Purr Gel another try, as it is a clitoral arousal gel, rather than a libido enhancer.
When the opportunity for some sexual fun pops up, using a good water based lubricant like Probe or Yes will enhance the experience.
Good luck!

Dear sad

Have you had a good read through the Libido/Sex Drive section of this forum? If you have a read there, you will find that this an all too common occurence, so we can assure you that you are not alone.
Even though you have been on this particular pill for awhile, to eliminate it as a reason for your well-being, I would suggest you question your doctor about the effect it could be having on your libido. Have you taken some time out for yourself lately? Events don't necessarily need to be drastic to effect our libido. It could be affected by the mundane act of going through the same boring daily routine of life each and every day. Do something different and special for yourself, something you've always wanted to do or try but have never made the time to do it. Give it a try, you might be surprised.
Once you feel a bit more yourself, I would reccomend investing in something small, like the Leopard Bullet or the Bunny Bullet for clitoral stimulation just to help you along the way to getting in the mood.
Or perhaps you could try out our new Remote Torpedo, which is a discreet wireless vibrator that will work from 5 metres and possibly up to 10 metres away. Your partner could hold the remote, and you can wear this out to dinner, the movies, etc, to add some spice to your night, to tantalise and tease and just to have the most un-ordinary night!

Dear crazydaisy1130

I think your last sentence holds a hint to what is going on...your libido has been suffering a low ebb of late, and this is not uncommon and can be due to all sorts of reasons, like being too tired, stress etc.
If you can eliminate some of these things in your life, or at least take some time out for yourself, this may help. Make sure you are using a good lubricant like Probe during your sexual encounters, and to assist that responsiveness I would recommend you give Purr Gel a try. It's a fantastic product and may help get your mojo back. Also we have a vibrating Finger Massager that has a really soft sleeve covering it which will be a nice gentle sensation and may help you enjoy yourself!

Dear DFF

We can often go through times in our lives when we don't feel particularly sexual, and yes, this is quite normal.
Are you busier than ever before, tired and run down? Do you have a new partner? Maybe the techniques are different?
There are so many things for you to explore about yourself and where your life is at this moment,compared to previously.
Are you using a good lubricant like Probe? Using lubricant means you can go harder, faster, longer.
I am going to assume that you are female (although men can have multiple orgasms too) so I could also suggest that you try the Purr Gel, it aids responsiveness in most women.
Ahh..yes, getting in the mood in the first place. It can be very hard to get in the mood if all you want to do is let your head hit the pillow and go to sleep. Sometimes we have to make that special uninterrupted time for ourselves, have a soak in a nice hot bath with a glass of wine under candle light. Have your partner give you a loving, non sexual massage prior to any other activities to help you relax. Make a date with your partner (yes, I know that doesn't sound very spontaneous) but sometimes we need to do this to ensure we do take the time out to have some fun....so, go forth and relax and have fun.

Dear Frustratttt
It's fantastic you have such a healthy libido and are so attracted to your man. However at the moment it sounds as if he has a few issues coming up that need to be dealt with. This may require some patience and restraint on your part so to alleviate any frustration I would take responsibility for your own sexual needs. Invest is a gorgeous vibrator and have some satisfying self pleasure. A very popular model is the G Twist which has fantatsic vibration and is excellent quality. Even though i know you want to be sharing pleasure with your man right now, initially taking the pressure off may be helpful.
I would reccommend he visit a Doctor to check if there is any physical issue in relation to his foreskin. He may have some emotional trauma from this childhood experinece that is affecting him and if so it would be beneficial for him to see a qualified counsellor.
Of course your sexual needs are very important and its not ok that he rejects you whenever you intiate sex. This does indicate he is feeling sexually disempowered in some way and has the need to be in control and be the initiator.
Even though its hard to discuss, the way this will be resolved is for you to both committ some time to discuss this frankly. Try to do so in a positive and affirming way. Great communication is the key to great sex and to a healthy ongoing relationship. It's worth taking the risk and the payoffs for having this kind of clear communication in your relationship srae huge.
Remember sex is about fun and being playful with each other and also about intimacy and feeling close togther.
You need your sexual needs met and to be listened to... but be patient and do so gently. Guys have a lot of ego tied up with sexuality so be affirming...
Menawhile enjoy your new toy and hopefully soon he will be ready to share this with you too!

Dear alconfused
It sounds as if you have put a lot of energy and focus into trying to work this out yourself... I know its hard to stay positive when things seem so challenging. Your absolutely right, sex is an important part of a vibrant and healthy relationship. Communication is the key to great lovemaking and a successful ongoing relationship. Talking about sexual issues can be very challenging however sensitive and understanding you may be. It sounds as if the closer you and your girlfriend have got the less she wants to be sexual with you.
When you first meet someone apart from being new and exciting there's also a sense of emotional separation about not knowing that person very well. Once the relationship shifts to a closer level, it can work both ways. Sometimes you feel safer and develop trust so you let your guard down. Its at this time that issues particularly in relation to sex can come up.It sounds as if she may have some deeper issues going on and may benefit from talking with a qualified counselor.
I would let her know you are committed to her and the relationship and want to work togther to resolve this.
Muster all the energy you can to be patient and understanding and focus on being responsible for your own sexual needs. A boys toy such as The Beaded Masturbator might be handy at the moment - many of our male customers give it the thumbs up.
Perhaps you can put some energy into what pleasure you could give her that would feel ok for her. A delicious massage for instance (reassure her the intention is not for it to lead to sex) but focus encouraging her to relax and feel safe...

Dear Nikki
It's very common for women to have lowered libido after having kids. There is a physical reason for this due to the fluctuations in hormones that occur during and post pregnancy. There seems to be limited information available as to how Diabetes affects libido and sex drive for women. Looking at www.diabetes.org.nz it appears limited research has been done in this area. It can be very challenging when one peron in a relationship has a higher sex drive. Its important to remember that sex is not just about physical sensation and orgasm but also about intimacy and connection with your partner. Whilst your husband has a high sex drive and would like his needs met its important yours are met too. Its really important you value yourself and only be sexual if it feels ok for you. In order to increase female libido focusing on both your physical and emotional well being is important. A very popular product we sell is Purr Gel. It is a clitoral arousal gel which is designed to increase sensation to the clitoris and enhance the sensation of orgasm. This does need to be combined with great sexual technique but can be helpful for kick starting sensation and arousal. I think its important that you don't feel pressure to be sexual but create the situation where you are most likely to feel aroused. There are many ways you can pleasure your partner -for instance you may want to become a expert in pleasuring your man orally by reading The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and perhaps you might enjoy some oral stimulation too. He could read The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus. What may be required is for both of you to allow your concept of sexual intimacy to evolve. If you let go of limitations and focus on the love you have and mutually sharing pleasure, the possibilities are endless...

Dear Lebentis
Many women experience times of lowered libido so you are not alone. On a physical level, a womens libido is affected by hormonal changes. Factors such as stress, contraceptives such as the pill, some medications and after having kids can all affect your libido.
How you are feeling emotionally can affect your libido too.
It sounds as if your relationship has a deep connection and you both have a mutual attraction for each other. I suggest you talk about what sex provides for the both of you and how that can evolve and change. If you moved the focus to sex being about being intimate and having fun, laughing lots and sharing pleasure, perhaps you may feel differently. Think about what you might find pleasurable and what situations you would be most likely to feel aroused.
Your husband can be responsible for his own sexual pleasure to take any pressure of you... he may enjoy The Beaded Masturbator which our male customers love. You may like to try Purr Gel which is a clitoral arousal gel designed to encourage you to become aroused and intensify the sensation of orgasm. This is something you can work out together. Communication is definitely the key to a great sex life , remember that sex is your opportunity to play and share pleasure with the person you love... think about if this has changed for you and if so what you can do to rediscover that part of yourself again...